THE TRUTH IS, MEN ARE SCUM.

Sunday evenings are for beach outings in Lagos I guess. Looking dapper in my all white ensemble with a touch of floral scarf. Brows perfectly carved with a dash of red lips stick, I head for the door. I can tell it is going to be an interesting evening.


Bid my sister farewell as she keeps gushing and complimenting my improved make-up skill; I feel like a pro. Halts by the mirror to take a long look at self; smiles in admiration, pops my booty Ta and
ta! Saying to myself in a reassuring tone 'I am a baby girl for life'. Now hurriedly descending the long stairs, I am late as usual. I am not surprised.


Wearing white in Lagos can be an extreme sport when you're not driving. What’s more extreme is if you live in an area filled with stagnant water from recent rainfalls. Hop! hop! that's me jumping all the water my village people set as trap for my slay. Jealousy kill them.

Phew! Not an Israelite, but I got to the dry land unscathed. I am becoming an expert at this. I am now hailing a bike, ‘esssss, 'Aboki take me to the gate'. He halts abruptly before me as I climb with utmost
carefulness, nothing must ruin my dress.

Part of being a Lagosian must be, knowing how to balance on a bike and enjoy the ride.

Just after the third bump, something awakens my memory. Oh shoot me! I forgot to take some money with me! Checks my bag clumsily for my ATM card... Oh thank God! Quickly taps the Aboki; ‘My friend, you fit carry me go ATM?' He responds ‘yes aunty’. I heave a partial sigh of relief.


The long queue is expected on a weekend. I take my rightful place on the line, look around the gallery, First bank is boldly written on each machine. There are three of them which signifies 3 queues. There is also a dark lady before me, her hair is neatly plaited into two cornrows. I envy her courage. The braids I have on is already driving me nuts. Now praying silently, ATM’s in this country do not respect your emotions at all, they can treat your fuck up anytime mehn.



As hanty conrows steps forward to withdraw, my heart leaps for joy. I am next, so I'll soon be by the beach sipping some booze and shaking my booty!

It's been more than 10 minutes now and this hanty is still there, hmn okay, maybe she's a member of the 30 billion gang. We shall see.

Las las she signals me to come, this better be good. She says to me in a very confused manner ‘I don't know why this machine is spitting my card out o'


Ah, okay. In utter amusement and concern, I explain to her patently, I think you are on the wrong queue as this machine only accepts First bank users card. She paused for a second as if to digest the not so good information I just gave,  gives the longest hiss I've heard all my  life and walks past me grudgingly without a thank you. Hehe! hanty conrow, am I the machine?


How I got to the beach is story for another day. Let's focus on the fun here, shall we? There is a lot of activities going on I can't count.


All my girls are ballers, full squad; no shaking . Nothing in the world gives me more joy! I’m now sipping my Heineken and gisting with the girls but all I see is bad romance.

Everywhere I turn; couples kissing , shirtless dark men, couples making out, ass grabbing and all! I am not even exaggerating! Is this what you people come to do here? In this mammy water territory? Ok.


One delicious looking, hot chocolate guy just winked at me. My heart did Kikum! kikum! He licks his full lips in a seductive manner and smiles.  My ovaries are not even calm again, I can hear them shout daddy! It's like I'm pregnant, pregnant from his wink.



His white shirt and shorts are dripping water, I can see his well built chest and well... other things.



I am now smiling back, as a voice called from the ocean. 'Babe! Are you cold already?' Babe ke? I turn to see a fair lady walk towards him, places a kiss on his lips and they start to play. Wow! What did I just watch? Uncle caramel toppings, is my singleness a joke to you?


As angry as I am, 'lead us not into temptation’ is all I can mutter under my breathe as I hear a voice in my head say ‘daughter of Zion, focus, these men ain't loyal'.


Written by Molawa Olawale.
Directed by Ifeoluwa Odeniran.
Edited by Rukayat Mudashir.